I wonder~

It's long..dun bother to read it~i just need a place to complain~
I'm thinking lar..real hard..what i did..but i just get more and more confused..
seriously..i never thought i was a bad person..maybe, just maybe not as good as some people may want it to be..it shouldn't be that bad right?? but why do people keep choosing to leave me..am i really hard to communicate with? am i expected to perform up to everyone's expectation?<--which obviously..that i'm unable to do so..
Is it my problem..was i being too simple? till the point that it bores people out to hang out with me..or maybe i was too common..so ordinary that i can sink right into the background..going un-noticeable to people..
I'm just a girl with a simple life..wishing for a simple life..working for a simple life..too much to ask for? or was it because it's too simple for people who wanna lead a colourful, brilliantly lilted life?
I wonder..what's so wrong in giving all you got..what's so wrong in making sacrifices..
Then again..when i decides to give out so much, so much..but..in the end..it only leads to a path of no return..
i wonder..how long will i be able to hold on..i'm not trying to find a balancing point for how much effort i put in..it's just that when i dun see any progress being made in that relationship..or rather..remaining stagnant and not moving backwards is already a major problem..i get irritated..pissed..upset..frustrated..angry..
Irritated-->coz it's not getting anywhere..i dun even know where i'm getting to anyway._.
Pissed-->coz i can't stop it from moving in the opposite direction
upset-->coz it just cont moving backwards
frustrated--> coz whatever i'm trying..it's useless
angry--> with myself for being unable to do anything._.
I've tried..really..maybe not good enough..i'm not too good at it as well..but i'm putting in my best effort..
your words reminds me of this song that is sang by "信乐团" call "一了百了"
离开我你说是为了我好
可知道这句话伤人不少
就算忘不了没有大不了
反正一切都不再重要
我的心既然你全都不了
何必再继续让彼此困扰
斩断纠缠的爱
从今就一了百了
No matter how hard it get..i fought for it..i cried..i requested..i asked..i scream*into the blanket lar*..*cracking my brain thinking bout it*..haiyo..WTH..where's my self esteem n pride..I thought..it's worth it..coz once i can swallow it all..it'll lead to somewhere..but it didn't ba..i guess..lols..
Somehow..i dun wanna get attention just because i'm being a pathetic freak who can't let go..then cry hard for it when it does happens..i dun need attention because they pitied me..and i'm not sure which type of attention am i getting..which made everything worse..
suddenly feel like playing "xin tai ruan"..brain wash myself for it..repeat repeat! maybe it'll get me somewhere~
give me some courage/determination?
Just let me whine it all out..so i can let it all out..then i can hold longer for it =P
I mean everything is my one sided opinion..but it can get tiring..it's like sprinting for very long yet i can't reach the finish line..lols..i'm made of flesh n blood..i won't last forever..once i'm drained out..i'll stop..if i dun wanna stop..then i'll just snap somehow when i reach my limit ba..ROAR!! but i'm not even sure where's the ending point..what's indicating the ending point-.-
No lar..same praise.."Dun wanna be everything to you..but wanna be something to you"
But i'm not even sure if i even match up that something~sigh..shi bu shi hen ben?
That laughter is my best happiness..i like the presence of that person around me..
or is it i get the feeling that the harder it is..the more challenging it gets..the more i will wanna hold on..i'm not sure myself..this is the first time i fought so hard for anyone to stay with me..or just stay by me..clinging back after i got push away so many times..
Worth??Lols..i think so ba..if not i won't keep coming back again n again..
Afterall..there're times when i'm really happy..it's makes everything nice n warm..giving me energy to continue..*takes a big breathe* I'm ready for it~bring it on~!~!